I was driving home on my lunch break when a big SUV started tailgating me. I understand tailgating in certain situations. Some people go below the speed limit and need a little coaxing to get going. But I usually go at least five over the speed limit or thereabouts. I was going 40 on a 35 like a normal person and this guy was right on my butt so I did what I normally do. I slowed down just to be an ass about it.
This usually works. A lot of people don’t even realize they’re tailgating so when you slow way down they get the picture and snap out of it. It’s like a reverse tailgate. But this guy wasn’t putting 2+2 together. He just stayed right behind me. He leaned one arm outside his window and tapped the side of his car like nothing was happening, all casual like.
About halfway home he turned down a side street. He had one of those ironic marathon bumper stickers that says 0.0 instead of 26.2 or 13.1. I then became conflicted because I think those stickers are sort of funny. I didn’t want to like this guy because he’d just spent the last 10 minutes driving 12 feet from my back bumper. I thought he would have some vanity license plate or one of those family bumper stickers where there’s one cartoon character for every family member as a character from Harry Potter. I hate those things. But he drove by and I couldn’t pick out anything I didn’t like. He was just a normal dude.
I got home and went to the stove to make lunch. I saw little black dots moving around on the stove. I took a closer look. They were ants. Ants everywhere. Ten ants. Twenty ants. I smashed them with my hand. I pulled out the stove to look underneath but I couldn’t find where they were coming from. I bent down and then stood up too quick and smacked my head on the microwave. I thought I had a concussion. I got a little dizzy. I texted my wife and said “Honey, I smacked my head on the microwave. I hope I don’t have a concussion.”
© Daniel Douglas